Papercut
by Tacomaster
Summary: Songfic. Gaz's suicide and Dib trying to deal with the aftermath. Rated for language. please review, flames welcome. i know, i suck at summaries. too bad FINISHED
1. Boulevard of Broken Dreams

Note to anyone who has already read Papercut: Sorry that this isn't the next chapter that I'm sure you were hoping for, but I really didn't like the way that I wrote it the first chapter. I tried re-writing it, but I fell into the same patterns that I was trying to avoid, so I just got a new song altogether; I really think that it works better with the story line anyway. Hopefully, the new chapter will be up soon, this fic is far from dead. I just don't have much time to write between homework and stage crew, so...yeah.

Note to anyone who has never read this before: You can ignore the above note (obviously, as you haven't read this and you know it). This is from Gaz's POV, and it is also a suicide fic. Anyone who is not ok with this can leave now...waiting for people not ok to leave...done stalling for now...

Italics are the voice in her head speaking, and anything in :::these thingies::: is an action, or something that Gaz perceives/is not included in her thinking.

Disclaimer: I don't own Invader Zim (Jhonen Vasquez does) and I don't own Boulevard of Broken Dreams (Green Day does). Any questions? No? Good.

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What a worthless day. I can't believe how stupid people are, and the way that they all ignore me. It's their fault I'm anti-social to begin with. If they hadn't given me all that crap years ago..._well, maybe you deserved it._ Shut up. I did not. I was never anything but nice to them. _And naïve. And a little bit...immature, even for your age. People don't like that. _Well, who the fuck asked you anyway? _You did. Because I'm the only one who cares enough to answer you._ That's not true. _Well then, who does care? All of your nonexistent friends? _I told you, shut UP!

/I walk a lonely road/   
/The only one I that have ever known/   
/Don't know were it goes/   
/But its home and there I walk alone/

See, this is why I play my Gameslave 24/7. Because I don't want to have to listen to you. _Because you know that I'm telling you the truth._ No, because..._it's the only way to shut me up besides...that?_ Yes. I don't like doing that. _Sure you do. Why else would you do it? Admit it, you love the feeling of the cool metal blade against our skin, the feeling of blood running down our arms, and the feeling of—_Stop it! No more, ever. I'm done with that.

/I walk this empty street/   
/On the Blvd. of broken dreams/   
/Where the city sleeps/   
/And I'm the only one and I walk alone/

_See Gaz, you're not done with that. I won't allow it. _YOU won't allow it? It's MY body, I'M in charge here. _It may be your body, dear, but I'm in charge of the mind. _How do you think that you're in charge? You're just the spawn of my imagination... you're not really even there. _I am here; that's the whole issue. And I'm in charge because you listen to me. You are my puppet, you do whatever I want you to. Some days, it just takes a little manipulation before you obey, that's all it is._

/My shadow's the only one that walks beside me/   
/My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating/   
/Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me/   
/Till then I'll walk alone/

Get the fuck out of my head. _I can't. _You just don't want to; you like existing, and if you got out you'd cease to exist. _You think I LIKE existing in this shitheap you call a mind? I would love to get out. _So get out. _I would, but you're too dependent. You'd collapse without someone to control you, someone who pretends to listen to you pathetic woes. Tell you what, I'll get out if you can name a single person who cares about you. _OK, Dad cares. _Then why is he always busy being at the lab? He can hardly stand to be in the same room as you, because you remind him of your mother. She didn't care about you either; why do you think that she killed herself days after you were born? _:::Gaz begins crying:::

/Ah-Ah Ah-Ah Ah-Ah Ahhh/   
/Ah-Ah Ah-Ah Ah-Ah Ahhh/

_Dib, too, he spends all his free time out of the house and away from you. Don't tell me that you honestly think that he believes all that paranormal crap? It's just a cover._ You're just the symptom of a disease; counseling would fix that. _But you won't get help. You're too afraid to ask, and too withdrawn for anyone to notice. So that brings us back to the original topic of discussion, your..."release" I believe you called it._ More insanity. Slightly different problem, same solution.

/I'm walking down the line/   
/That divides me somewhere in my mind/   
/On the border line of the edge/   
/And were I walk alone/

_So you think that all that I am is a product of your insanity, is that how it is? _Yes, that's all you are. _But I'm alive, so very alive. I'd even be willing to bet that I'm more alive than you are. _Bullshit. You're a mere voice in my head. _What if YOU were the voice, and it were MY body, what then, dear Gaz? Or, what if it were a Dr. Jekyll and Mister Hyde, and we both existed equally? What would you do then? Let's think on this for a moment, we can pretend that I'm Jekyll and you're Hyde, I'M the genius and YOU'RE the monster that everyone hates...oh wait, that's the truth, you ARE the monster that everyone hates._

/Read between the lines of what's/   
/Fucked up and every things all right/   
/Check my vital signs to know I'm still alive/   
/And I walk alone/

_But anyway, back to the original topic of our little discussion. Where, I wonder, did you hide the razor this time? _I told you, I'm done doing that and so I got rid of the razor. _It amuses me so much, the way you continue to lie to me, as though I weren't part of your mind and that I couldn't access your memory at any time that I choose to. Give in; shut me up for a bit, just like you always do. One day, maybe you won't, and I'll get free reign of the mind and body for a change. And by the way, there should be one in Dib's room._

/I walk alone/   
/I walk alone/   
/I walk alone/   
/I walk a.../

Even if it is there, I won't use it. :::Even saying this, I know that it's not true and I move toward Dib's room, hoping that she won't start on me again. She never does, not once I'm doing what she tells me to.:::

/My shadows the only one that walks beside me/   
/My shallow hearts the only thing that's beating/   
/Sometimes I wish someone out there will find/   
/Till then I'll walk alone/

One of these days, I'd like to be truly alone; I'd like to be free from her control :::_you'll never be "free" from me_::: and not do these things to myself...why does Dib have a safe in his room? _Who cares, it'll be over there, on the little stand by his bed...I'll bet he does too. Just like you, only you're more worthless than he is. At least HE has something to do with his time. _

/Ah-Ah Ah-Ah Ah-Ah Ahhh/   
/Ah-Ah Ah-Ah Ah-Ah Ahhh/

:::Despite this, Gaz is still focusing on the safe.::: 14...38...26..._click_ Got it! There's. Too. Much. Crap. In. The. Way. :::As Gaz struggles to move the dirty t-shirts out of the way, viewers get a little time warp to enjoy. --We see Dib walking nervously down a dark alley, wondering to himself for the thousand and second time just why he came here. "You got the dough, kid?" Comes a raspy voice accompanied by a puff of cigar smoke. "Ye-yeah, I've got it." "All $300 of it? Cuz you my bitch if you don't, and I know a lot of fag's who'd love a kid like you." Dib takes out an envelope with 15 $20 bills in it, and hands it to the dirty guy in the shadows. He takes it out and begins counting it. Satisfied, he starts to walk away, when Dib calls to him. "Hey, what about your end of the bargain?" "What about it, kid? You're too young." "B-but we had a deal!" The man chuckles to himself. "Keep your shirt on kid, although I guess I wouldn't mind if you didn't, you're pretty enough...here," he says, tossing Dib a small box.--:::

/I walk this empty street/   
/On the Blvd. of broken dreams/   
/Where the city sleeps/   
/And I'm the only one and I walk a../

:::--Dib runs through the back door clutching the small box, almost knocking Gaz over in the process. "Where the hell are you going in such a hurry?" "I've finally got it Gaz. The means to protect myself and my family from the alien menace." "Yeah, whatever. Now move, you're blocking my light--.:::   
A gun? Why the hell does Dib have a gun? Probably for Zim...What if she's right, we're a Jekyll and Hyde, and the only way to kill the monster is to also kill the man...er, woman. Even if not, this hurts so much, seeing the way my life is and knowing that it's only a matter of time until she takes control and forces me to do something more damaging than hurt myself.

/My shadows the only one that walks beside me/   
/My shallow hearts the only thing that's beating/   
/Sometimes I wish someone out there will find/   
/Till then I'll walk away!/

There's really only one way to get away from you. _NOOOO! You can't do this to us! _Watch me do this. What's the matter? A little blood running down our body has never bothered you before. _This is different...This is our life you're throwing away. _Not throwing away, saving from your sickness. :::Gaz lifts the gun to her temple, then, after a moment of hesitation, pulls the trigger and falls to the floor.:::

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Much better than the original, ja? J/K, nein spreche Deutsche. Sólomente Español. Not that many of you understood that anyway...but go review. Gehen Sie und Rezension. Vaya y revision ahora mismo.


	2. Reality

A/N: This was originally going to be a one-chapter fic, but Stagger pointed out that it could be interesting to see how Dib ended up after losing all that he really had left, as his dad really doesn't count. Obviously it really can't be Gaz's POV anymore, so after much deliberation, I decided to have the narration transfer over to Dib.

Disclaimer: I do not own Invader Zim, because Jhonen Vasquez is the master of all things Zim-ish. The lyrics to Reality aren't mine either, as they belong to Staind. It is a good song though, so all should go and buy the cd, or at least go and download the song. AND LISTEN TO IT TOO!

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According to this file, the 'people' of Zim's race (Irkens) are susceptible to water as well as...what the hell was that noise? "Gaz? Was that you?" That's weird, she should be home by now, and probably would've yelled at me for disturbing her gaming...anyway...water as well as bright lights and loud noises. Perfect. I'll shine a bright light in Zim's face and cause a loud noise, then off to the autopsy table. Now, I should have some leftover fireworks around here somewhere, maybe in the Bigfoot box under my bed. As for a bright light, let me think. Hmmmm, maybe dad still has that searchlight he was working on. Yes, it should be in the living room. I'll just walk really quietly past Gaz's room, and ignore the bright red pool of liquid leaking into the hallway...wait a minute.

"Gaz? You better not be sacrificing neighborhood animals again, dad would get really mad, and...Gaz? Are you ok?" Normally it would be a suicide move to even knock on her door, but instead of flattening me, she didn't do anything. "Gaz?" And I push her door open. "Oh dear god." I almost pass out from the sight of her body on the floor and the gun lying next to her. I can't believe that I never knew that she was planning to do this...or maybe she wasn't, and it just happened. That gun is...mine? She broke into my room to kill herself?! "This is all my fault, Gaz...I'm so sorry..."

/The lights are on but you're not home/  
/You've drifted off somewhere alone/  
/Somewhere that's safe/  
/No questions here/

All these questions, running through my head. What really scares me is that I can answer most of them. I should have known, I've seen her cutting before, seen the scars. Her Gameslave too, was a sign. She had no friends, and so she hid from reality. The games she played...killing the undead.

/A quiet place where you hide from your fears/  
/Sometimes when you're out of rope/  
/The way to climb back up's unclear/  
/The walls you build around yourself/  
/I guess they also keep you there/  
/Are you afraid of what they think?/  
/Whoever "they" happen to be/  
/Or are you hiding from the scars of your own reality?/

But why didn't she just stop? I would've listened if she had just asked for help...oh wait. She did.

/So you sedate and drown in vain/  
/You've got a pill for every day/  
/A suit and tie to mask the truth/  
/Its ugly head is starting to show through/

Telling dad...with anyone else's parents, that's the hardest thing. Dad has always been too busy for us though, so it should be no problem. That's the general theory, anyway.

"Dad?"

"Not now, son. I'm making...TOAST."

"But it's really important."

"I'm sure it is, son. But science needs me."

"Yeah, well, so did Gaz. Go figure."

"I'm sure whatever your sister needed can wait."

"Better not wait too long, she'll start rotting."

That brought his full attention to the conversation.

"She's not raising dead too, is she? Son, you better not have taught her to do this."

"I didn't, dad. She killed herself."

"For your experiments with the dead?"

"Dad, nobody's trying to raise the dead. And I said I was sorry."

"Always with the dead, you are son."

"Forget it, I'll deal with it myself."

/Sometimes when you're out of rope/  
/The way to climb back up's unclear/  
/The walls you build around yourself/  
/I guess they also keep you there/  
/Are you afraid of what they think?/  
/Whoever "they" happen to be/  
/Or are you hiding from the scars of your own reality?/

So what do I do now? Call the police to report a suicide? But that could only be bad for dad's reputation...wait. He's one of the reasons she killed herself, and I'm trying to protect him? I guess I'll have to; I don't want her body lying there until I decide what to do with it.

"911, can I help you?"

"Um, my sister just killed herself, and I don't know what to do."

"Can you tell me where you live?"

"420 High St."

"OK, I'll send an officer out there immediately. (Pause) Are you sure she's dead?"

"Gunshot to the side of her head, her brains are everywhere. Yeah, I'm pretty sure she's dead."

"So you're the one who found her, huh? You sound pretty calm...is this some kind of sick joke?"

"No. But I wish it was."

"You wish that?"

"Yeah, I wish that she wasn't really dead. The officer is here, by the way."

"Alright sir, I'll let him talk to you now."

/The monster you're feeding/  
/Your lack of perception/  
/The things you will do/  
/To fulfill addictions/  
/The light at the end of your tunnel is closing/  
/What is it that you're so afraid of exposing?/  
/You'd give it all up for what's there for the taking/  
/Whatever it takes to keep your hands from shaking/  
/The same things you're thinking might make you feel better/  
/The same things that probably get you here/

Jeez, could their questioning be any longer? I didn't kill her or do anything. She pulled the trigger, she committed suicide. End of story, unless you're a cop.

"Well, if you remember anything else, please give us a call," and hands me a business card. It's about time.

"Oh, and we'll let the skool know...would you like to take a few days off of skool? As a way to spend a bit of time getting over this all? I know it must be a terrible shock to you." WHAT?!?! Give Zim a few days all to himself? No way...but I could spend those days breaking into his base...

"That's ok officer, but I think I'd like to go...best to keep my mind occupied..." I sneak a glance at him to see if he's buying this load of shit, and to my relief, he's nodding.

"Yeah, you're probably right son."

/Sometimes when you're out of rope/  
/The way to climb back up's unclear/  
/The walls you build around yourself/  
/I guess they also keep you there/  
/Are you afraid of what they think?/  
/Whoever "they" happen to be/  
/Or are you hiding from the scars of your own reality?/

The cop is finally out the door, and only then does the reality of the fact that Gaz is dead finally hit me. They took the body and some of her stuff with, but they left most of her cds here. I throw one in my cd player, turn it up, and cry myself to sleep.

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Whee, that was fun. It's only been about forever since I posted something, cuz my 'net has been down all summer...but now I have the skool's 'net...Anyway...if you like, review and tell me, and if you don't tell me that too...because people won't review this and it's making me sad...and if you haven't read Taco Fic, go and read that too...and review it...yay.


	3. Gone Away

Disclaimer: Yadda yadda yadda, I don't own IZ, for I am not Jhonen; I don't own the lyrics, for I am not the Offspring. Got it?

A/N: This chapter is supposed to be a few days after Gaz's funeral, and it's from the perspective of Dib speaking to Gaz. Enjoy...or not, I guess you'd have to be pretty sick to ENJOY it...oh well, you know what I mean.

Also, I know that I said I would post a sequel to Taco Fic, but I have some major writer's block on it, so...while I try to get back into the flow of it, I will continue to write and post chapters for this Fic.

'...' are thoughts, and "..." is where someone's speaking.

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'Hey Gaz. I know you're probably getting tired of me showing up every day, but...I'm here anyway. I can't help it. What a field trip...yeah right. I can't believe her. Mrs. Bitters just had to use the funeral of my only sister as an example of how everyone is doomed to die a horrible death. I'm starting to understand why you always hid from reality like this. Not that you need me to tell you this or anything...'

/Maybe in another life/  
/I could find you there/  
/Pulled away before your time/  
/I can't deal it's so unfair/

'What's really weird though is some of the kids were actually being kinda...I dunno. Nice. Torque, in his own little way, managed to say he was sorry about all this. At least, I think that's what he was trying to say. He might have been giving me crap about being insane. And Zim, of all people. Aliens. Whatever. "I'm, eh, sorry about your stinkmeat sister. Yeah." If that's not weird, I don't know what is anymore.'

/And it feels/  
/Yeah it feels like/  
/Heaven's so far away/  
/And it feels/  
/Yeah it feels like/  
/The world has grown cold/  
/Now that you've gone away/ 

'Not that I can be sure of anything anymore. I know science and the world need him, but jeez. He couldn't even take one day off for his daughter's funeral? That's the biggest load of bullshit I've ever heard. He did give me money to buy flowers for your grave, though I think he meant it for new crayons. He still thinks I'm in preskool. I figured a rose would be best, and I managed to track down one in your favorite color. Black.'

/Leaving flowers on your grave/  
/Show that I still care/  
/(But) black roses and hail marys/  
/Can't bring back what's taken from me/ 

'Why did you have to do it though? You can't understand how much this hurts, and how much I want you back here. Even if all we did was fight, it was better than not having anyone. Now, all I have is dad, and you know how he is. Him and his _real science_. Puh. I may as well have nothing.'

/I reach to the sky/  
/And call out your name/  
/And if I could trade/  
/I would/ 

'Gaz, I'm so sorry that I never listened to you. Maybe if I had, this never would've happened. I would give anything to have you back, because even though I hated you sometimes, you were still my sister, and I love you.' I can feel the hot tears streaming down my face, unchecked. I know that if anyone saw me like this, I would never hear the end of it. I have also come to the conclusion that I no longer care.

/And it feels/  
/And it feels like/  
/Heaven's so far away/  
/And it stings/  
/Yeah it stings now/  
/(The) world is so cold/  
/Now that you've gone away/  
/Gone away, gone away, yeah/ 

'I just wish that there was a way to make this pain stop, to be able to accept this and get on with my life. You know, I haven't spied on Zim at all since your death. Not once. He's probably planning to enslave mankind, and I can't bring myself to care. Because of you. The skool counselor tried pulling me out of class a couple of times so that "we could talk about our feelings". Right, like I'm gonna tell a perfect stranger how I feel.'

/I reach to the sky/  
/And call out your name/  
/Oh please let me trade/  
/I would/ 

'On my way home from skool, I saw some guy getting drunk, and he offered me some of his booze if I wanted to give him some money. I walked away from him, but I've been thinking about it, and I just might try that. I know that dad has beer somewhere, leftover from some experiment, and I'll bet he wouldn't miss it. They say that it's a good way to deaden pain...'

/And it feels/  
/And it feels like/  
/Heaven's so far away/  
/And it feels/  
/Yeah it feels like/  
/(The) world has grown cold/  
/Now that you've gone away/  
/Gone away, gone away, yeah/ 

'Anyway, I gotta go. I still need to eat something, as I haven't eaten all day. And I think that I will try and get the beer, because it can't make me feel any worse than I already do. I miss you so much, but standing here talking to a piece of cold marble won't change that. Maybe it would be better if I just stopped coming...'

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click down there, and tell me what you think.


	4. Worst Hangover Ever

A/N: Yes, I know. Taco Fic Sequel. I'm working on it. Sometime, it really will be up. Maybe. I hope. Still Dib's POV, like I really need to say that.

Disclaimer: I'm not writing one for this chapter. It shouldn't need one, right? By now you all know that I don't own IZ, or any character of IZ, or really anything to do with IZ, right? Damnit, there's your disclaimer. Looks like you (explicative deleted)s got what you wanted after all...and I still don't own the Offspring's lyrics yet either...and underage drinking is bad...right...

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...What a great fucking night. I can't believe that I didn't go to one of Torque's drinking parties sooner. I can't believe that I drank Zita _and_ Torque under the table...well, maybe I can believe Zita. But Torque? Hell yeah...

/Went out drinking late last night/  
/I had a blast/  
/But now the morning light has come/  
/And kicked my ass/

Ok, I'm not going to sleep anymore, so I'll just get up and...whoa. "uunnnng," I groan, and fall back into my bed. God, this hurts. I feel like someone's been kicking me in the stomach for hours...and my skull is on fire...owwww...

/I've got the worst hangover ever/  
/I'm crawling to the bathroom again/  
/It hurts so bad that I'm never gonna drink again/ 

The misery...the pain...shit. I think I'm gonna throw up again.

/And by my seventh shot/  
/I was invincible/  
/I would have never thought/  
/I'd be this miserable/ 

I don't think I've ever been this sick, not even when dad gave me a super flu so he could see if toast could cure it...There is no way in hell that I'm ever drinking again. Never. Although being drunk did feel kinda nice...no. Never again.

/I've got the worst hangover ever/  
/I'm rolling back and forth on the bed/  
/I'm worked so bad that I'm never gonna drink again/

Where's the fucking aspirin? Don't tell me that Gaz took it all before she killed herself...Gaz. Man, wave of guilt here. Poor Gaz...what's this? Ahhh...morphine, aspirin, same difference. Right? Anything to kill the pain...wait. That's what I said to justify drinking last night...hell, morphine can't make it any worse...right?

/Won't someone just kill me/  
/And put me out of my misery/  
/I'm making deals with God, I'll do anything/  
/Make it stop please!/  
/Make it stop please!/ 

--half hour later--

Ok, maybe taking morphine wasn't the smartest thing I've ever done. Wait...maybe it was. It killed the hangover. What if...nah, morphine can't be addictive, or else dad wouldn't have it lying around the house. So this means I can drink as much as I want.

/I've got the worst hangover ever/  
/I'm crawling to the bathroom again/  
/It hurts so bad that I'm never gonna drink again/  
/I'll probably never drink again/  
/I may not ever drink again/  
/At least not 'til next weekend/  
/I'm never gonna drink again/ 

--ten minutes after that, Dib is still debating with himself if he should be drinking--

...But the skool can't always be telling the truth all the time, because they tried to tell me that the paranormal is just morons trying to get attention...so they must be lying to me about this too...super.

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Review, because they make me happy. You can even flame if you want, I don't even care. Just tell me what you think.


	5. My Own Worst Enemy

I know that MOST of you are sane, rational people and don't need yet another disclaimer, but if for no other reason, this tells you who the song is by. I don't own IZ (Jhonen Vasquez), and I don't own the lyrics to My Own Worst Enemy (Lit).

I think that tacos are in order for reggaeshiko-tama, stagger, DibMagician, Dibsthe1, ForgottenTallestTeal, Crazy Girl Person, Peyo Asope, golgatha b, and squid for leaving me such nice reviews. ::Hands out tacos:: Thank you.

A/N: Time for a little time warp, a few months into the future, because…um…I have that power, and I didn't have the patience to write a long, drawn out chapter explaining stuff, so I took the easy way out and jumped ahead a bit. Maybe I'll write it out one day, but don't hold your breath on it. Dib has become a major drinker, and has lessened his paranormal obsession a bit, mainly because he's too drunk to care most of the time. Zim's laser weasels turned on him, and so he had to take them out and start from scratch; he's up to stuff, but nothing TOO imminent. It'll take a few months yet. Oh, and Dib has a girlfriend now; when he slowed up the paranormal, he became somewhat accepted with the outcasts and gets wasted with them on a fairly regular basis. Her name is Diane, but her friends call her Spike. She's a little shorter than Dib, dresses in all black (Think Hot Topic), wears too many chains to count, has a line of piercings down one ear and two on the other; also has her eyebrow and lip pierced. Her hair is acid green and super glued to stand up in pointed spikes (hence her name). She also wears a spiked collar and two spiked bracelets on each wrist. Spike's not very nice some of the time, but she's the most tolerant of Dib; he reminds her of the way she used to be and she likes that about him. He moved in with her when Prof. Membrane finally noticed Dib's drinking and threw him out. Got all that? Good. On with the fic! Oh, btw, it is still Dib's POV; as we join him, he's in the middle of…discussing things with Spike.

----------------------------------------------------  
"Spike, please, don't do this to me again." I rub my head to try and clear the headache…not that it helps any. And does she have to yell so fucking loud?

"Shove it up your ass, Dib. I'm not doing anything to you that you don't deserve."

"But you can't throw me out, I have nowhere to go."

"Well, you should've thought of that before you took up with that whore."

"But it's not my fault, I was--"

"Drunk, I know. You always are. And don't even think that you can just bring your crap right back in behind me, because I'm not letting you stay. This time I mean it when I say you're out."

/Can we forget about the things I said when I was drunk?/  
/I didn't mean to call you that/  
/I can't remember what was said or what you threw at me/

"But it didn't even mean anything, I swear."

"That's only because you can't remember what happened. Sometimes I wonder if I mean anything more than a place to sleep and the occasional fuck to you."

"Spike, please, be reasonable. You know how I feel…"

"Then what's with being all over every girl you meet while you're drunk? You knew that she's had her skanky eyes on since before you even met, you shouldn't've even gone there."

"Free drinks, baby." From the look on her beautiful face, I know as I'm saying this that it's the wrong thing to say, but there's nothing I can do about it now.

" 'Free' is whoring around with a slut, and then getting kicked out of your girlfriend's basement?! If that's free, Dib, I'd hate to see you have to pay for something…Not that you ever will, of course."

Ouch. That hurt, even more than the hurt expression she's giving me, the expression that I know all too well. One more try…

"Look, do you know what I've been through, how hard it was to cope with finding Gaz's body? You think I'm not still trying to get over that, and knowing that I provided her with the gun she used to kill herself with?"

"Yeah, blame your fucking up on your dead sister, bet she'd love to see you know. Get the hell out of my house, Dib."

"But Spike--"

"Now, Dib."

/Please tell me, please tell me why/  
/My car is in the front yard/  
/And I'm sleeping with my clothes on/  
/I came in through the window last night and you're gone...gone/

Shit, where am I gonna go now? Amanda's, maybe…no, it's her fault that I'm in this mess…hell, it's MY fault. ::A short while later, Dib is standing on Amanda's doorstep. Imagine the greasiest, sluttiest girl you know. Blonde and annoying, with that high, whinny voice. You have Amanda. She answers the door with almost nothing on.::

"H-hi, Amanda."

"Why, hello Dibby. What can I do you need? Me, I hope." As she says this, she stretches so as to make her figure stand out against her too tight clothing…

"Actually, a place to stay. Spike kicked me out earlier."

"You never told me you had a girlfriend."

"Dammit Amanda, you knew I did. That seems to be your basis to determine who to throw yourself at." Shit shit shit. What am I doing to myself?

"Dibby, are you calling me a slut? I can't believe you would say such a mean, hurtful thing. Mikey, he called me a slut."

Mikey? Who the…uh oh.

"Dibby, you remember Mike. You know, my boyfriend, the wrestler, who wants to kick your ass for taking advantage of me when I was too drunk to know any better?"

Run, Dib, run. Why won't my body obey me? Maybe I deserve it, poor Spike… (A/N: I'm not going to describe poor hung over Dib getting beat up…if you really need me to, go read Taco Fic, which I highly advise reading anyway).

/It's no surprise to me I am my own worst enemy/  
/'Cause every now and then I kick the living shit out of me/  
/The smoke alarm is going off, and there's a cigarette/  
/Still burning/

Owww…the pain…I think I need someone to scrape me up off of the sidewalk now, that would be great. Maybe I'll just lie here until…::Dib passes out. When he regains consciousness, he's in an unfamiliar room.::

"Wh-where am I? What's going on?"

"Hush Dib, lie still. You passed out, so I brought you to my house. I tried to stop the bleeding, but it looks like you might have broken your wrist."

"Keef?"

"Yes, Dib."

"Why did you bring me here?"

"I told you, you're hurt and--"

"No, I mean why did you bother, after what I did to you last week?"

"You were drunk, Dib. You didn't know what you were doing."

"That's no excuse. God, Keef, you must hate me for what I did."

"Yeah, kinda. But to just leave you out there to suffer would make me as bad as you. I don't ever want to be like that, no offense."

"None taken…can we do something about my wrist?"

"Of course, Dib."

::Keef gets Dib to a doctor, who puts a cast around Dib's broken wrist. Afterwards, Keef takes Dib back to his house.::

/Please tell me why/  
/My car is in the front yard/  
/And I'm sleeping with my clothes on/  
/I came in through the window last night and you're gone...gone/

"So, Dib. Where's your dad's house?"

"Why?"

"So I can take you home. I assumed you wanted to go sleep off that hangover."

"Oh. Well, my dad kicked me out a few months ago."

"So where do you live now?"

"Until this morning, I lived with Spike. But don't bother taking me there either, she threw me out too. Permanently, this time."

"Why? I thought she loved you."

"I, um, kind of got myself in hot water with her."

"Drinking?"

"I guess you could say that."

"Amanda?"

"Yeah."

"I know it's not my place, but can I give you some advice?"

"I guess so."

"Quit drinking."

"What?"

"You heard me. Quit drinking. Then go back to her."

"Yeah, well, that doesn't give me a place to crash tonight."

"If you want, you can sleep at my house."

"Keef, I couldn't."

"Why, do you think I'm that bad?"

"No, that's more than I deserve. The sidewalk is fine."

"There's muggers and stuff out at night. Besides, I insist."

/Please tell me why/  
/My car is in the front yard/  
/And I'm sleeping with my clothes on/  
/I came in through the window last night and you're gone...gone/

Later that night…

::Keef's POV::

"Here Dib, do you want another blanket?"

"Keef, if you're giving me the couch, where are you going to sleep?"

"The floor."

"KEEF!"

"What?"

"That's not right, you should get the couch."

"Take the couch, Dib."

"But Keef--"

"Take the couch."

"Keef--"

"NOW, goddammit!"

I don't really know why I'm making a big deal out of this…I guess that maybe Dib needs someone to be decent to him for a change, he had it really hard when he found Gaz. It's funny, everyone figured that he'd make it big one day, doing something super-geeky, but then Gaz died and he just quit on us. At least he finally quit grumbling about taking the couch, he's so argumentative lately. It's really too bad he didn't have any friends to begin with, or he probably would've made it ok. Now, look at what he is. I don't know if I'll be able to sleep, I don't know what he'll do in the middle of the night. Maybe I should've just left him…no. I'll never be that bad.

"Dib, are you ok?"

"Why the fuck wouldn't I be?"

"I don't know, I just thought I heard you crying."

"Why, you want to make fun of me? Laugh at me for being all soft?"

"No, I'm asking because I want to help."

"Fuck, Keef. Why are you being so damn nice to me."

"Because I believe that there's good in everyone, and the nicer you are to someone, the more that good shows."

"Well Keef, this is the real world. I'm sorry I have to be the one to tell you, but not everyone has good in them."

"Everyone, Dib. Some people just hide it better."

/It's no surprise to me I am my own worst enemy/  
/Ahhh-ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo/  
/'Cause every now and then I kick the living shit out of me/  
/Ahhh-oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo/  
/Can we forget about the things I said when I was drunk?/  
/Ahhh-ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo/  
/I didn't mean to call you that/  
/Ahhh-oooooooooooooooooooooooo/

::Dib's POV::

"So what if I am crying over what I did to Spike? It's none of your goddamn business. I wish that you people would just leave me the fuck alone."

"Dib, where are you going? It's 2 am, stay here until morning."

"No, I'm outta here."

"Dib, please be reasonable. You have nowhere to go."

"Keef, get this through your thick skull. I. Don't. Care."

"But it's cold out. At least stay long enough for me to get you a jacket."

"No."

"Why not?"

"Because you've already been nicer than I deserve, and I have no hope of ever repaying you in this lifetime. I don't deserve to be here, just let me go before I say or do something that I'll regret."

Keef stands still for a moment, but finally moves out of the doorway to allow me to get go.

"We all have to make our own mistakes, Dib. I'm just sorry that yours has to be this big."

Whatever that's supposed to mean. Brrrr, Keef was right. It IS cold out. Now, where to go. Hmmmm…

"AAAAHHH, SHIT!!!!"

----------------------------------------------------  
Bwaaahaahaa, what happened to poor Dib now? Just not his day, is it. Well, I should have another chapter up soon, and I finally got an idea for the sequal to Taco Fic…Dibsthe1, I think you may end up liking where I go with the sequal…and don't worry, I'm not doing anything _too_ bad to Dib...


	6. the Reason

YAY for cliffhangers…and for writing when I'm supposed to be working…and getting over writers block…and for stalling…and for more stalling…and staaaaallllllling…Oooh! Oooh! Oooh! I now own everything in this fic, mwa hahahaha!!! Wait…no I don't. I am still not the almighty Jhonen Vasquez, and I am certainly not Hoobastank. Oh well, maybe next time I'll own something more than the plot. Let me see now, I believe we left off with Dib being hung over and without a place to stay… ::Dodges random objects thrown by angry readers:: Ok, no more stalling.

----------------------------------------------------  
Whatever that's supposed to mean. Brrrr, Keef was right. It IS cold out. Now, where to go. Hmmmm…

"AAAAHHH, SHIT!!!!"

"Hey kid, watch where the fuck you're going. I almost hit you, you little bastard."

"Sorry."

"Yeah, you better be."

I am sorry…sorry that you didn't hit me. Sorry that I was so bad to everyone. Sorry that…well…just about everything I've done. I just wish that I could do something about it, make it up somehow…especially to Spike. _"I thought she loved you…go back to her."_ Even if I did apologize, she'd never take me back though…I'm a complete asshole. _"I believe that there's good in everyone…Everyone, Dib. Some people just hide it better." _Well, there's only one way to find out if she will or not.

/I'm not a perfect person/  
/There's many things I wish I didn't do/  
/But I continue learning/  
/I never meant to do those things to you/  
/And so I have to say before I go/  
/That I just want you to know/

::Crouched outside of Spike's bedroom window a short while later::

Tap tap tap…"Spike, babe, are you awake?" Nothing. "Spike?"

"Unnngg…what do you want Dib, it's two thirty, can't it wait until morning? Besides, I thought I said that I never wanted to see you again."

"I need to talk to you."

"And I care why?"

"…I don't know. Maybe you don't. But I want to tell you anyway."

"Fine, come in, I guess, but only because it's cold out…What happened to your arm and your face?"

"I kinda got my ass kicked. I guess Amanda had a boyfriend."

"Yeah, she keeps him around for when she can't get some loser like you to go for her."

/I've found a reason for me/  
/To change who I used to be/  
/A reason to start over new/  
/And the reason is you/

"Sorry, I'm getting as bad as you are. You wanted to talk? Then talk. Just know, you're not moving back in."

"Spike, why are there black lines on your face?"

"Hmm Dib, let's think. I know it's probably beyond your limited abilities to do so, but try, just once. Do it for me. Or do I not mean anything whatsoever to you?"

"Actually Spike, that's the reason I'm here."

"What, to tell me that I mean nothing to you? I already figured that out."

"No, to tell you how much you mean to me, and how sorry I am that I did this to you."

"Uh huh. You've said this before, every time you've fucked up and I've gotten pissed at you. How do I know this time you mean it?"

"You don't. You just have to take my word for it."

"Dib, I'd like to believe you, but you've given me your word before. You've gone back on it every time."

"Were you crying?"

"Yeah, I was. So what? It's not like you care."

"But I do care."

"Bullshit. The only reason you care is because Amanda wouldn't put out."

"She would've, but I didn't want her."

"That's a first, you not fucking something that was willing and female?"

"Spike--"

"Save it. I don't know why I agreed to listen to you in the first place."

/I'm sorry that I hurt you/  
/It's something I must live with everyday/  
/And all the pain I put you through/  
/I wish that I could take it all away/  
/And be the one who catches all your tears/  
/That's why I need you to hear/

"I don't know why you agreed to listen either. I wouldn't have listened to me. All I can do is hope that it was because you love me as much as I love you."

"Well…"

"I turned into a real jackass, and I hurt a lot of people by doing some really stupid things. I hurt myself, what I have left of a family, and my friends. But worst of all, I hurt you. That was probably, no it was, the stupidest thing I could possibly have done. I'm really sorry about that, but there's nothing I can do about it now except apologize and hope that one day you can possibly find it in your heart to forgive me, although I admit that it's more than I deserve."

Nothing. She's just standing there.

"Well, that's all I have to say, so, unless you need me for anything I'll be going. Sorry for waking you up."

/I've found a reason for me/  
/To change who I used to be/  
/A reason to start over new/  
/And the reason is You/

Damn damn damn. Why did it have to end like this? I don't know what I was hoping for, a miracle maybe. Not that I deserve it, but it would've been kind of nice. Ah, well, sometimes when you've done all you can do, you just have to walk away and quit trying.

/And the reason is You/  
/And the reason is You/  
/And the reason is You/

"Dib, wait."

Is there possibly a god after all?

"Did you just tell me that you love me?"

"Yes, I did."

"Why? Are you that desperate for a place to stay?"

"Spike, I said it because I mean it."

"Then why do you keep doing these things to me?"

"I…I don't know."

::Spike's face falls as he says this::

Shit… "But I promise that if you can find it in you to give me another chance, I'll try my absolute hardest to not ever hurt you again."

/I'm not a perfect person/  
/I never meant to do those things to you/  
/And so I have to say before I go/  
/That I just want you to know/

"Under one condition, Dib."

"What's that?"

"Well, Dib, a condition is where--"

"No, I know what a condition is. I meant, what is your one condition?"

/I've found a reason for me/  
/To change who I used to be/  
/A reason to start over new/  
/And the reason is you/

"Take all the fun out of it, why don't you."

"Spiiiike."

"Fine. I want to know what made you change."

Gulp. How much do I really want to tell her?

"Well, Dib?"

"The kindness of an old friend."

"That's it?"

"Yep. That's it."

/I've found a reason to show/  
/A side of me you didn't know/  
/A reason for all that I do/  
/And the reason is you/

"What exactly did this old friend do to you?"

"Said something that really hit home, after I thought about it for a bit."

"And that is?"

"I believe that there's good in everyone…Everyone, Dib. Some people just hide it better."  
----------------------------------------------------

::Sniff:: I just love happy endings…who am I kidding, no I don't. I hope you people enjoyed it, 'cause you aren't getting another one like it anytime soon…not off of me, anyway. Sequel. Soon. In the meantime, go and read the original, and leave me many reviews.


End file.
